These thoughts are keeping me awake. If someone could see me they’d think I’m crazy, worrying then suddenly smiling about things only I would understand. My eyes are tearing up from being up so late but I didn’t feel like sleeping at all. My mind is racing too fast to ever relax. I’m not good with emotions. I was always the brave one, sometimes the rational one, but never the stable one. He knows that but why does he do this to me? Does he even know that he makes me feel like this?
He held my hand. I was hoping that we were just two people who got along so well but then he held my hand and the feeling inside me shifted. Almost literally, I felt something inside me turn. Like my mind changed and it told me that I wanted more than just this. He held my hand and suddenly we weren’t fit to be called friends and that’s what scared me. It was something with how long his hand lingered there and how tight he held me, like he was scared that I’d get away. But right there too, I wondered if he’d hold someone else’s hand that way. Maybe that’s just the way he did things because we get along.
I looked into his eyes and still I don’t understand. He’s really good at being unreadable if he wanted to – something that I couldn’t do. If I make up my mind, if I tell myself to just fall, he’d see right through me. For once my being indecisive is a good thing.
But I won’t be telling myself to fall for this – for now. I’m not sure and I don’t know when I will be. Maybe I’d lose him while I’m walking the thin line between being friends and being more than friends. Losing him that way would prove I shouldn’t have even considered it. But if he waited – or worse if he didn’t do anything, I’ll be trapped. I’d have to make up my mind. I just want him to do something. May it be falling for me or breaking my heart, either way was better than working with assumptions not facts. The only fact I have with me is that I’m scared – too scared to make up my mind.